HRT

One of my main concerns about starting HRT was going through puberty once more, but many of the effects I was dreading haven’t affected me. Mood swings and aggressive behavior was the things I was most afraid of, but my mood have been stabile and I’m not more angry or aggressive than before.To me it seems like your second puberty in most aspects is a repetition of your first one. The first time around it was hardly noticeable that I went tough puberty (mood wise) and so it has been this time around too. People that reacted strongly on HRT seems to have had a rather though puberty in their teens too.

When it comes to the physical changes, I’m more than happy about the results so far. I’m still looking forward to some more facial hair and an even deeper voice. My voice still tangents the female range and I think it would help people around me to gender me correctly if my voice was more undoubtedly male.

Until recently I hadn’t noticed any psychological changes at all, but a recent crisis made me realize that there indeed had been changes over the last couple of months. I’ve struggled with anxiety and panic attacks for a very long time but all of that has been cooling down lately. I’m not suggesting that HRT on its own “cured” me. 17 years of therapy did it’s bit and believe me, the anxiety is still there. However after I started HRT my anxiety has changed.

Normally it would go something like this; stress factor – anxiety – realization of stress factor – anxiety easing off. Now it’s either a lot of stress factors without anxiety or anxiety without stress factor. I haven’t checked this with my endocrinologist yet, but the latter I suspect is due to an overload of hormones in my body. My latest lab works showed normal levels of testosterone and continued high level of estrogen.

Being exposed to extreme stress this last week without having any anxiety or panic about it is such a relief. However it also made me realize another change, albeit connected to the lack of anxiety.

I was really sad and hurt when an acquaintance started to act like a maniac, lying about things and purposely misunderstanding everything I did or said. This madness escalated over a week without causing any anxiety. However I was still very upset about the situation and felt like I couldn’t really talk to anyone except my wife about it partly because it’s extremely difficult to articulate the whole thing and partly because no one would believe me if I managed to do that.

I knew that the only thing that would allow me to let go of the stress was a good cry, but I just couldn’t manage to produce any tears. I was sad, angry and hurt enough and six months ago I would cry uncontrollably for an hour or two to get rid of all the emotions I had, but now – nothing.

Historically I have a tendency to suppress my feelings and my anxiety has been a way to not being able to ignore those feelings. I’m concerned that this incapacity to release emotions will cause me to start suppressing my feelings again and I’ve worked way to hard and long to let that happen. I feel I need to be even more attentive about my feelings and maybe talk them through rather than acting on them now. I do not want to become a stereotypical emotionally numb man!

Actually, I don’t want to become anything stereotypical. I’m way to used to pave my own way through the bush for settling down for the main road.

8 thoughts on “HRT

  1. Not being able to cry is a hard one to deal with when you’re used to having a good cry now and then to deal with emotions. I think chopping wood, running, lifting weights, something active is men’s equivalent to crying. When they’re emotions are blocked up they need to do something physical. I haven’t really cried since I started T. Occasionally I’ll tear up a little but the crying never comes. It’s a strange thing to feel the need to cry and not be able to. I don’t, however, feel emotionally numb at all. In fact, I think I feel things much deeper now, but it’s more focused in some way. Hard to describe. I’m less moody and more evened out emotionally, but definitely not numb. Just be you and there’s no way you’ll become a stereotypical anything.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I recognize the acting-out a little bit, but I feel it’s more important for me to just talk a lot about how I feel and putting words on the feelings and I think it is so important to me because I just recently learned to recognize my feelings at all.

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      • Well, talking it out is probably the most healthy way possible to deal with emotions anyway, so keep doing what you’re doing. I find it helps me too to talk it out.

        Liked by 1 person

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