This have been a tough year. It started with my two best friends getting a divorce and one of them moved all the way to America. The loss is huge for me, she’s the only person apart from my wife I can talk to about hard and sad stuff. I tend to keep other friends at the level of acquaintances, where you just share the fun and happy stuff and keep the darkest moments to yourself.
I guess it’s always been like that, I didn’t even discuss hard and sad stuff with my parents, and they didn’t talk to me about it either. That combined with bullying in primary school and then getting burnt by my “friends” from secondary school hasn’t really helped me to open up to others. I’m actually rather impressed that she managed me to open up the way I have. Her move has left me feeling very lonely. Initially I thought I would be able to talk the same way with my other best friend, but it just doesn’t work.
A few months down the line we lost another two friends, our daughters donor and his husband. Both I and my wife are still frustrated and furious at them for leaving the way they did and don’t really mourn the loss of their so called friendship. If you can’t take not getting your way all the time , you’re not being a true friend. Still we’re very sad and upset for our daughters sake, for her it’s a huge loss not being able to have any contact with them. Thankfully we still have some contact with one of their mothers, so when our daughter’s old enough and want to establish a contact she will have a way to do it.
Last week we lost yet another friend. One of my wife’s closest friends and coworker is going through a rough time and is taking it out on my wife. It’s at that point where there’s no going back or finding a way to remain friends in the future. My wife’s taking it really bad and had to stay at home from work a few days with severe anxiety.
I can’t really fathom that we lost so many “friends” this year. I say “friends” but should really say acquaintances. I’m not sure you can call it friendship when it seize to exist after a single “no” or lack of small-talk during a stressful time. We use to comfort ourselves by saying they will be very lonely in the end if this is how they treat their friends, but after this year it looks like we’re going to run out of friends before them. I just wish that were not the ones being unreasonable towards our friends…
At the same time I’m not sure I want friends like that. I want friends I can meet with, curl up in the sofa and then fall asleep without having to talk a lot. I feel that when you have that kind of friendship, you can also talk about most things when you want that. And then I feel like I have too high standards, that I ask too much, that I will end up alone. Still, we do have friends like that. One across the pond and another we don’t see so often due to her busy schedule. And to be honest, two really good friends combined with a few really good acquaintances is plenty. At least for introverts like us.