Friends

This have been a tough year. It started with my two best friends getting a divorce and one of them moved all the way to America. The loss is huge for me, she’s the only person apart from my wife I can talk to about hard and sad stuff. I tend to keep other friends at the level of acquaintances, where you just share the fun and happy stuff and keep the darkest moments to yourself.

I guess it’s always been like that, I didn’t even discuss hard and sad stuff with my parents, and they didn’t talk to me about it either. That combined with bullying in primary school and then getting burnt by my “friends” from secondary school hasn’t really helped me to open up to others. I’m actually rather impressed that she managed me to open up the way I have. Her move has left me feeling very lonely. Initially I thought I would be able to talk the same way with my other best friend, but it just doesn’t work. 

A few months down the line we lost another two friends, our daughters donor and his husband. Both I and my wife are still frustrated and furious at them for leaving the way they did and don’t really mourn the loss of their so called friendship. If you can’t take not getting your way all the time , you’re not being a true friend. Still we’re very sad and upset for our daughters sake, for her it’s a huge loss not being able to have any contact with them. Thankfully we still have some contact with one of their mothers, so when our daughter’s old enough and want to establish a contact she will have a way to do it.

Last week we lost yet another friend. One of my wife’s closest friends and coworker is going through a rough time and is taking it out on my wife. It’s at that point where there’s no going back or finding a way to remain friends in the future. My wife’s taking it really bad and had to stay at home from work a few days with severe anxiety.

I can’t really fathom that we lost so many “friends” this year. I say “friends” but should really say acquaintances. I’m not sure you can call it friendship when it seize to exist after a single “no” or lack of small-talk during a stressful time. We use to comfort ourselves by saying they will be very lonely in the end if this is how they treat their friends, but after this year it looks like we’re going to run out of friends before them. I just wish that were not the ones being unreasonable towards our friends…

At the same time I’m not sure I want friends like that. I want friends I can meet with, curl up in the sofa and then fall asleep without having to talk a lot. I feel that when you have that kind of friendship, you can also talk about most things when you want that. And then I feel like I have too high standards, that I ask too much, that I will end up alone. Still, we do have friends like that. One across the pond and another we don’t see so often due to her busy schedule. And to be honest, two really good friends combined with a few really good acquaintances is plenty. At least for introverts like us.

7 thoughts on “Friends

  1. Lesboi says:

    I feel for you. I’m finding that maintaining quality friendships as I get older is harder and harder to do and my BS meter keeps getting more and more sensitive to people’s crap. Sometimes friendships sort of ebb and flow and yet are always there if you need them or they need you. I miss having a close group of friends and at least one or two that I can really open up with about stuff. I’m sorry your friend moved so far away. Maybe you can do skype calls or something with her. I think you’re right though, one or two close friends is all we need…especially for us introverts. Take care!

    Liked by 1 person

    • We do skype a lot, but time difference and her baby twins are making it hard to really do some quality talking. We’re planning to visit her shortly. It’s not a small thing flying half across the globe for me, I hate to travel and get very anxious about it, but I really look forward to seeing her IRL again!

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  2. Good to hear from you, Fredrik, and sad that you have lost valuable friendships. I have started to wonder if there are still people in this world who care about anybody else but themselves / themselves. Cherish those friends who remain in your lives. Hugs to all 7 of you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Six of us… one of the small ones passed away in June…

      I’m amazed by how hard it is to find good friends, and I’m equally amazed by how easy it was to become close friends with those who I value the most. Maybe that’s the point. Good friends are scarce but easy to get to know. Those who you need to make an effort to get to know aren’t worth it in the long run.

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      • It was a particular hard decision to make, Signe was the dog who made me well the first time I got burned out. I love her to bits, but she could definitely be a handful. She was over-energetic (we had to force her to rest as a puppy during the days, literally pinning her down. Otherwise she would just run around puppy-style ALL day) and she had a really short attention-span. She was a star in the agility field, but as soon as we left the field she couldn’t focus on walking heel for more than a few seconds, even if she tried really hard, really wanted to do it, we had candy in our hand, eye contact and talked cheerfully with her. As a human she would probably been given some kind of diagnosis…
        In the end that diagnosis took over to the point where neither she or we could control it. You could see how sad it made her to not being able to be a “good dog”, at the same time we had a really hard time holding back our frustration. She got aggressive towards not only other dogs but the rest of our pack and it got so bad that our youngest was afraid to come to bed at night. There was really only one option, but extremely hard anyway.
        When it was time it was painfully obvious that I made the right decision as she was in such a winded up state that I count even get her to look at me when I called her. Not until she was half asleep on tranquilizer. It was a lovely day in a beautiful space and I felt her presence in the car the whole way home. It was her true presence without all the stress.
        The weeks after we realized how big impact her unstable mind had made on the pack. They calmed down so fast and suddenly it was enjoyable to walk them again.
        I miss her though, a lot, and can still feel her small body and excited energy form time to time.
        Sorry for the long text…

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      • No need to apologize, Fredrik. The title of your post is “Friends” and listening is one if the things a friend does. Her loss was and is traumatic and talking / writing about it, is cathartic. I have had to make that decision 4 times already and it is extremely painful. I’m sure she is at peace now, as you could feel her presence. We keep them in our hearts and memories and that way they are part of us till we meet again – that is my belief. A big bear hug, my friend.

        Liked by 1 person

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