Resistance to change

It’s in humans nature to resist change, to shy away from it no matter what it will bring. It’s simply the case of knowing what you have and not knowing what you will get. It’s an instinct that’s saved and helped human kind many times, taking a tried and tested route instead of an unknown one, building homes based on tried knowledge instead of a whim and using well tested equipment when shipping people off to the moon. For every important moment in life people have always based their decision on proven knowledge. It’s the glue that keep our society together. It’s the tardiness that prevent us from making hasty decisions. It’s the essence of bureaucracy and a reason so many people are appealed by conservative politics. But as well as this instinct has aided us it has also stopped us from many great things, especially on a personal level. It’s because of this instinct we have such troubles abandoning our old ways even if we feel that they’re hurting us. We know what we have… It has worked well in the past and it will work well now. Right?

I mean, I’ve lived over 30 years as a female so it would work just fine for 30 years more, right? I find it hard to embrace my transition and to feel that I deserve it. The path that I have chosen affects so many other people too, especially my wife and daughter. What right do I have to put them in a place of worrying and distress just because I want to look different? What right do I have to choose to take hormones that will change how I look, smell and talk? What right do I have to make them so exposed and vulnerable in society as a spouse and daughter to a transexual? Honestly I’d rather go through life as a woman than put them through all of this. I don’t feel that I deserve to transition, to be happy with myself and my body, on my family’s expense. I got my next appointment to the gender clinic over a month ago and just as happy I was for receiving it, I also got apprehensive. This is it, it’s now that my medical transition begins. The first meeting was nothing more than a get-to-know-each other meeting and I knew that. But now the process will begin and for every meeting I have with the clinic I feel that it’s harder and harder to pull out of it. Every meeting makes it more of a commitment and a statement that I put myself before my family.

When I got my first appointment I booked my train ticket the very same day, for this second appointment it took me a month to book the tickets and I did so only after my wife nagged me about it. She tells me that I have to do this for myself and that she and our child will do just fine. She tells me that it’s important for her that I’m happy with myself and my body. She tells me that she will follow me anywhere I want to go. She tells me that she will adjust even though it’s scary for her too, but she’s prepared to take the plunge with me. I love her so much and I listen to her words over and over again, hoping that I one day will feel that they are true. I hope I one day feel that I deserve to transition.

6 thoughts on “Resistance to change

  1. Hmmm… I’m also struggling with the question of how much of each other and our offspring do we “own” – my body, but our lives? Please keep writing about this, Fredrik, you are voice so many of my thoughts. All all the best with finding answers.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’m afraid I’ll never find the answers, but I guess my wife does in a way. She’s the one telling me I deserve this, but at the same time I’m not sure how I would think or behave if she wasn’t supportive. One part of me would rebel and do what’s best for me no matter what, but another part of me would just burry my needs and try to forget about them. The question is what part would succeed in he end.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Lesboi says:

    We all have to make these decisions for ourselves. No matter what you decide I wish you the best in life. One rhetorical question for you to ponder though…In trying to spare your family pain is it possible that you might also be denying them the opportunity to learn, grow and live with the best Fredric you can give them? Just a thought.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I guess so. It’s just so hard when I know how worried she becomes when I go through surgery. I know that’ll only last a few days but it’s still hard to go through with it when I know the distress it’ll put her through. And that its me, my “choice”, that does it.

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  3. I understand your sentiments – transitioning is extremely self-indulgent – except when you look at the alternatives.
    You do not want your partner or your daughter to carry the burden that you did not transition because of her – that you suffered with dysphoria for her.
    This is something you need to do to survive as a whole person, so your daughter will know you as who you are.

    Liked by 3 people

    • When you put it like that it sounds awful. I would never put that burden on her, I would never want anyone to be the reason I don’t transition. I guess I just didn’t flip the coin on my thoughts…

      Liked by 1 person

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