A lot of trigger warnings revolving around sex and genitalia for this one!
Sex have been on my mind a lot lately. My libido is stronger than ever before and I feel the need to have sex or masturbate almost every day, and that’s without T. Actually I’m a bit scared for how it will be when I start hormone treatment as most people seem to experience a much stronger libido on testosterone, stating that they think of sex all the time. But having sex or masturbate just don’t feel quite right at the moment. There’s always something bothering me and preventing me from really enjoying the moment. Either there’s genitalia missing, or excess ones in the way. Prosthetics work ok, but I don’t like not having any sensation from them. And having sex with a harness cutting into your skin or falling off is quite distracting! Every time I masturbate I think about how I would want my genitalia to look. And I know what I want, I want to look and function like a “normal” man, but I’m afraid that I’ll never achieve that.
I’ve looked into different kinds of bottom surgeries for a while now, comparing results and functions, and I must say that I’m not particularly impressed. It seems like I have to choose between looks and function. Either your stuff work for having sex or you can go stealth in a locker room. Not both. But I want both. The look of my junk is actually quite important to me. Not so much for my own sake, but I want to start swimming again and that includes common shower room… I don’t want to get weird looks there (I know men won’t look, but I think you get what I mean) or having people talking about me behind my back due to my genitalia. All I really want is to be able to go stealth in public spaces. But I also want to be able to have sex with my genitalia. I want to get hard and I want to be able to have sensation. I don’t want to rely on prosthetics, I just want to relax and enjoy myself without having to think about where all the stuff is and what it’s doing that I can’t feel.
At the moment surgeons are working on transplanting penises, and I have thought about if that would be an option for me if it were to be successful. Then it would look right and maybe even function like it should – but – it would also be a dead guys penis. On my body. I can’t really get past thoughts and questions like “have my penis had more sex than I?”, “I wonder if it’s straight or gay” and consequently “where have this fellow been?” I wonder if I would be able to see it like a part of my body or if it would be “a dead guys penis” forever.
I’ve also thought a lot about my sexual orientation lately, according to the web it’s common for trans* people to change their sexual orientation during transition. I am married and have no intention to leave my wife, but I’m still afraid that something would break us apart. What if she can’t stand me when I’ve gone through medical transition, for instance. What would I do if we weren’t together? If I would search for a new partner, what would I search for? Would I still prefer women? Or would I be more attracted to men or genderqueer people? I honestly don’t know at the moment and I’m a bit afraid to explore that part of me. What if I’m a gay man? What would that do to my marriage? What if I feel I have to have sex with men to be satisfied?
I’ve never felt that being straight was my cup of tea, but that was when I still saw myself as female. And the dynamic of a straight relationship if you’re a woman or a man is quite different I imagine. I hope it is anyway because I really love my wife and I don’t want anything to part us and I want our child to grow up with both of us together.