As I’m shape shifting more and more into my male me I get the privilege of contemplating over the qualities that defines me. I’ve always been, well I don’t want to say a good listener because I’m not sure it’s true, but a good shoulder to cry on. Someone to safely pour your troubles on because you know I’ll listen and give good(?) advice. This kind of listening/talking is not generally considered to be a male trait, but it’s something I consider a good trait so I don’t mind. For me it’s more important to be a good person and a nice fellow human than to be seen as unquestionable male. But being trans gives me the opportunity to think if this is something I WANT to do, or if it’s something I just do because it makes me “a good person”.Do I WANT the world to cry on my shoulder? What’s in it for me? I have to get something out of it, otherwise I wouldn’t have continued doing it for so long. I obviously feel like a good person, but that’s not enough for me anymore. I can’t continue to do things based on what other people might think of me. Out of experience I can say that I often get exhausted by other people’s troubles as I often adopt them and try to fix them for them. Their troubles haunt me for hours and sometimes days and I get frustrated if the problem isn’t fixable. I will continue to try to find a solution for as long as I can and I often loose sleep over it. After a long talk people often say thank you and reports that they feel so much better after our talk. It makes me feel good to be able to help, I even smile when I write this down. Sadly, the people crying on my shoulder rarely have one for me when I need one. So, basically I get exhausted from other people’s issues and get nothing but a thank you back. When I write it down like that it’s obvious to me that I can’t continue to do this. I don’t WANT to do it because it makes me feel used. Why should I care so much about other people when they don’t care for me? (I will however gladly continue to do it for people who will lend me their shoulder when I need it 🙂
Being in transition is a freeing experience. Suddenly I can give myself permission to do things MY way because I WANT to do it that way. It’s suddenly ok for me to NOT do things I DON’T WANT to do. The only thing I’m flabbergasted by is that I didn’t give myself permission to do this way earlier, as a woman. Why did I matter so little as a woman that it was ok to feel used and do things I didn’t want to do? What gave me that idea, and more importantly will my baby girl feel the same?