I had a conversation with a friend over the phone about my transition, among other things. She’s what I call a no-filter person. She has no filter between her thoughts and her mouth and the things she say could offend you if you don’t know her. But the things she say, no matter how they come out, are always said with love and humor. There’s nothing she can’t laugh about! She finds my transition curious in the way that I’m the first close person she knows to transition. She’s met other transexuals through her work as a nurse, but this is the first time shes given the transitioning itself a thoughts and it has risen a lot of thoughts for her and her family. Her kids are no-filter persons as well and apparently one of the first things her grownup son asked was if “she would get a dick”, how big it would be and if I could choose size myself. Then he became confused and asked “but what do you do with the breasts? They don’t just shrink away, do they?” His mother had no answer to his question and suggested that he’d just walk up to me and ask how big dick I would like to have… I told you she has no filter! I was pretty pleased with the answer I gave her to her family’s contemplations. I just concluded that there’s not one way to transition and that the different treatments you can get are always chosen to suit the individual needs and prerequisites, and if they wanted to know more the Internet is a good place to start. Luckily I didn’t have to be more personal than that.
Later on in the conversation however, she asked “so you’ve always felt you were in the wrong body?” And I said yes. I said yes because that’s the answer she was expecting to hear and because any other answer would have concluded in a battery of questions and confusion. On one side I load myself for giving in and confirming the only trans narrative that exist in most cis people’s world when it’s not my narrative, on the other hand I wasn’t in the mood for an intricate elaboration of my gender identity, definitions and childhood memories that only would result in her being more confused and maybe not taking my transsexualism seriously. After all the socially acceptable trans narrative is kind of similar to mine. I was born male, in the same way I consider myself “born a lesbian”. But no one ask a gay person “so you’ve always felt you were gay?” Everybody knows that’s not how it works, ones sexual preferences is usually discovered in ones teens or later and you are allowed to experiment a bit before you decide. Not many people think twice about gay people coming out after being in a straight relationship for 30 years raising a bunch of kids. So why is it so hard to acknowledge trans people figuring out their gender identity mid-life?
I was born male, but that doesn’t mean that I identified as a boy growing up. I knew something wasn’t right, I never felt like one of the girls, but to go from “I’m not like the other girls” to “I’m a boy” wasn’t important enough for me. For me, fitting in seemed to be more worth the while as it was definitely hard enough. I didn’t know about trans people, I didn’t know what it was to question ones gender, I didn’t even know what gender was! All I knew was that I didn’t fit in. So my narrative is more like; really socially uncomfortable girl who doesn’t feel like she fit in socially searches for the source of that feeling of being uncomfortable with most things her first 30 or so years just to find out that she was looking on the wrong side of the gender-fence. Starting to look for a comfortable way to be in this world was made so much easier when she started to search in the whole gender field. Today she’s found one way to be that is way more comfortable than anything was before and it turned out to be as a male. The end? No, considering myself as male is just the beginning. I now need to find myself as a male, but that I’m male is obvious to both me and most people around me. The journey has just begun.