Mum

Everyone I know, with one exception, has treated me with the highest respect by using my new name, trying to use the right pronouns and not asking intrusive question. I don’t ask for much, do I? It’s tragic that the one exception is my mother. She visited us earlier this week and throughout her stay she used my old name, both when talking about when I was a baby (I can kind of accept that) and when talking to me or asking me something. I take it as a grave insult from her side when she’s not even trying to correct herself or make any kind of effort to change name and pronouns. I don’t ask for much, and I respect that changing name and pronoun can be difficult for her but I do ask for her to make some kind of effort! I always thought that my mother in law would be the one to slip up the most, but she’s been marvelous! She gets it right every time! If she can do it, then surely my mother can too! I tried to ignore her when she tried to make contact with me by using my old name, but I think I gave in way to easily.I talked it over with my wife later. She hadn’t really noticed – my mum is excellent at delivering her lines when everyone else is busy and won’t pay attention. She knows it’s not easy to stand up to her on ones own. My wife was angry at her already for at her reasons, so when I mentioned this she got furious. She told me to ignore her completely when she calls me the wrong name and walk away if I have too – or persist on calling her Lars until she gets it. The person she is trying to make contact with has never existed. It’s not my fault that she and dad didn’t pay close enough attention to me to realize that my assigned gender was wrong from the start. By calling me by my old name she implies that she know me better than I do myself. She’s telling me that her comfort is more important that mine and her convenience is more important than me. And I just want to remind you that this is not about a person that make genuine attempts to call me my new name and then slip up. She knows my new name, my wife called me or talked about me several times during her stay with the right name and pronoun and whenever I talk with my mother on the phone I alway introduce myself as Fredrik. I feel like I give her all the right tools to be able to make the change, but she is just not interested.

Since she hasn’t made an attempt to call me my right name yet I’m worried that she’ll never do it, and she’s hanging loose as it is. This can be the last straw in our relationship and I’m not sure if I’m sad or happy about that.

9 thoughts on “Mum

  1. Donna meant well when I changed my name, but the first month I put up a banner that read “JAMIE” in the kitchen to remind her. When I came out at work I hung the same banner in my cubicle.
    You can fight her with fire or with humor, but you’ve got to fight. Consider something that is in her face such wearing either a “Hello My Name is Fredrik” tag, or consider a nice name T-shirt from an on-line retailer such as mynameonatshirt.com which has a selection of Fredrik T’s including one in red using the Coca-Cola style script.
    It is a stupid thing for her to be stubborn about – you are an adult, you are a parent yourself, and she doesn’t own you just because she named you the first time around. But logic doesn’t usually work with narcissists since it is always about them.

    Liked by 2 people

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