I had an appointment with my physiotherapist and I had to strip in order for her to have a look at the progress of my back (no change). After the exam she pointed out that my sport bra is too tight and may prevent me from getting better. She want me to use something else, more loose fitting, but that sport bra is the most lose fitting thing I have and the only reason I use my old sport bras in the first place is because my back hurts in the binders. Of course the boobs are showing more in sports bras than in binders, so my dysphoria is already more easily triggered without anyone implying that I need to use a bra. I can’t really remember anything else from my session than sitting and watching my boobs in the mirror, I kind of shut down. I was sad, angry, lost and just wanted to run out of her office, but didn’t. When I came out I went to the nearest store in search for something sweet and fatty but I was too distressed to find and buy anything. I just wanted to pick up my phone and call someone who would understand exactly without me having to explain anything. My wife is really supportive and I went straight back home and collapsed in her arms, but she’s not trans and while she is really understanding she does not understand.
I know I should have told the physiotherapist about me being trans, but I didn’t think it would be necessary and when it became necessary, I just couldn’t. I chicken out a lot these days and feel horrible every time. At home I decide that today I’m all in man and that I will introduce myself as Fredrik to everybody I meet, but when I’m actually greeting someone and they ask my name, I chicken out and tell them my given name. It’s mostly because they are people i sort of recognize (it’s more likely they recognize me since I meet a lot of people at work. I usually don’t remember them, but people have a habit of remembering me) or someone I kind of know are within hearing distance/friend with the person I’m talking with. I’m all out by now to family and friends, but since I’m still on sick-leave I haven’t updated my coworkers yet and I don’t want odd acquaintances to out me before I have the opportunity to tell them myself.
I always end up thinking somewhere down the line of “it would all be so much easier being trans if my legal name was Fredrik or if I was already admitted to the gender clinic”. I know it’s about the all so common fear of not being trans enough and needing the validation from “the professionals”, but I know I’m “trans enough” and I know I will transition no matter what the gender clinic tell me so I should really be able to present myself as Fredrik. But I’m chicken.
Cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck…