Penis or no penis

I’ve thought a lot about penises lately. Not other people’s, but my own. Or rather, the one I don’t have, the one I want, the one I can get and the one I don’t want. I haven’t decided yet if I truly want a penis, and I’m not sure what it means if I do. For me the question have two parts: if I would have preferred to be born with a penis and if I want to get one now. The first part is hard to answer, and I need some more soul-digging before it can be answered properly. The second part is easier to answer: no. It basically comes down to the available options for FtMs at the moment. I mean, packers are ok, but kind of a hassle. The surgical option is even worse in my opinion. If I got a penis, I would like it to function properly in all aspects…
Apart from what’s actually possible and available at the moment I’m not even sure if it’s a genuine wish I have, or if it’s just fun fantasizing about having a penis. It might just be something that occupy my mind for a while and then I won’t ever think about it ever again. However, if I decide that I really want a penis – does that mean that I want to be a man? A man instead of a woman, only man and a man in every aspect? I guess that this is what really bothers me and prohibit me from feeling my genuine wish in this matter. I have no problem imagining myself as a man, and I think I like that image better than me being a woman or something in between. But just as being a woman comes with a lot of downsides like automatically being seen as a better parent, not being technical, seen as weaker and emotional, so does being a man. Not the exact same, but being seen as not capable of having or showing emotions, being competitive, being a predator on dark streets and, of cause, a child molester. When I pictured myself as a man before, I always looked at myself from other men’s view and pictured myself as a strong alpha male. (…yeah, I know, wishful thinking…) I fantasized about how they would see me as a cool, tough but nice guy – basically see me as the person that I am, but women see men from a different point of view, and it’s not a way I like to be seen! Especially not the predator and bluntness bits. Because, whatever gender I decide to be or not to be, I’m still the same person inside. If I choose to become a man I’m afraid that I will trade one gender-prison for another. One set of conventions that don’t reflect me for another set of of conventions that don’t reflect me. I would still be an uncomfortable misfit!

8 thoughts on “Penis or no penis

  1. I agree with the concept of always being a misfit – I am used to it and it does not make me so uncomfortable as long as I can be an authentic misfit. What I despise is having to be a misfit and having to be false at the same time (i.e. wear women’s clothing).
    As a child, what I wanted was to “look like a boy” – but clothed, not naked. Nakedness was prohibited, and I had very little opportunity to look at other kids (including my brother) naked. I wonder if I grew up in a different society, where nudity was no big thing, if I would have more of a desire for a penis.
    What I wanted was to be handsome and adorable and loved – and it is difficult to see myself that way, even though in my own way I am all of those things (and becoming more so). To me breasts get in the way of achieving the handsome part, but a penis would not help. I’d like a lower voice, I like it when I am gendered male, but I may choose to stay the way I am.
    It is also distorted by the lens of being transgender in this time and place – what the transition narrative 1-2-3 tells you to do – and what is available/affordable. If it was easier/cheaper to get a good working penis than to get testosterone, maybe I would change my mind? I don’t know.

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    • I think you are right about being an authentic misfit, and who wouldn’t want to be handsome, adorable and loved?!
      I’m lucky in one way that I live in Sweden, I do not have to think about the costs of surgery as it is covered automatically. The trick would be that you have to go through a gender clinic, with a long waiting list, and there’s only three in the country. When it comes to surgery, it’s the result that bothers me. It’s just not good enough for me at the moment.

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  2. Theoretically, I wish I had been born with a penis, no doubt. And even now, it’s easy to see myself as non-binary; not-a-man, simultaneously wishing I had a penis. Somehow in my head, this doesn’t feel incongruous. As it is, I agree, I probably will not go through bottom surgery – too expensive, the results are not impressive enough. Really like this post!

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    • Luckily the money is not an issue for me, which means that I have to make up my mind based only on my own feelings. It’s a luxury and yet more difficult. I think I need a lot of more soul-searching before I make any decisions in any directions.

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  3. Would I want to have a penis? No. I never fancied one. Not that I ever fancied a vagina, but that’s what I was born with and it doesn’t really bother me. Boobs do bother me. My Minnie Mouse voice bothers me. My lack of facial hair bothers me. But a penis? Totally irrelevant. (To me.)
    And I’ve been wondering about that too. What does that say about me? I guess, it tells me nothing that I didn’t know already: I feel more male than female, but if I had the choice I’d want to go through life as ungendered – or something like that. Does that make sense?

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    • Of cause it make sense. Maybe it IS like all those trans* quotes and statements – our gender is not in the bits we have or don’t have. But it’s still interesting that some bits are really important to us and others not.

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  4. I like your two questions: would I want to have been born with a penis? Yes and No. I quite liked being a lesbian while I was one, which is an experience I would’ve missed out on. On the other hand, I would love to have been born with a penis cos it makes more sense to me to have one than to not have one. Do I want one now? Yes and No again. I agree that the results aren’t good enough yet for me to put myself through the surgeries. And the penis does not make the man. If a fully functioning, doesn’t have to be pumped up to be hard penis becomes possible, then I’ll consider it.

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    • The questions are a bit difficult to answer, aren’t they?
      On one hand I would like to have been born with a penis mostly because I can’t get a fully functioning one now, but I wouldn’t have met my wife with a penis… And all the things I have learnt as a lesbian… I don’t wish to go back and change anything in my life, but I still have that nagging feeling that my body is wrong.

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