This Is Me

Me and my wife lay in bed the other day and talked. I have, as I have written before, always been clear over who I am as a person and what gender identity I have, it just my exterior that hasn’t reflected that. With the changes I have started now, I want to change that, I want my appearance to reflect my person. So, I asked my wife how she perceive my appearance, if I look masculine, feminine or androgyne to her. Before she answered, she looked quietly at me and then she started by saying “I don’t know”.
Oh bummer, I thought. The reason I asked her in the first place is because I can’t discern how I look to other people, and I really want to know that at the moment.
But then she started to explain how she thought and what she saw. “You don’t look like a man, and not like a woman, but you don’t look androgyne either. You have feet big enough for a man and your legs are androgyne, but your thighs and hips are typically female. You have a female tummy and your chest is also female. At the same time you’re not very feminine in your torso when everything is put together (boobs not counted in). You have shoulders like a man, your hands and arms are androgyne. Your neck is male, and so is your jaw. But your face are delicate and round like a females, your mouth a androgyne and I don’t know if the nose look any different between males and females, so I guess that is androgyne too.” “So your appearance are neither male or female, but you have both female and male features. At the same time your features aren’t so blended as they are in androgyne persons.”
I had to bite my touge to not laugh when se said this, because it is exactly how I feel on the inside! Even long before I had a name for my gender identity, this is how I described it. Both male and female, but at the same time neither male or female. I don’t think that I will ever find a compartment that fits me, never a word that describe how I feel and I will never live up to other people’s expectations. I am simply both, and neither!

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