Stress

Due to sad circumstances and poor decisions by my bosses, my already undermanned department has more work to do with even fewer staff. I have been burnt out before and recognize the signs early. I am tense all the time, my breathing is faster, I don’t sleep properly and I have a hard time eating. These are the signs that I recognize and I’m used to slow things down when they arrive. What surprised me this time, and that I’m much more uncomfortable with, is that my voice suddenly became a few notes higher than usual. I have a natural deep voice and when it rises, I sound like a teenage boy breaking his voice. It’s not really the kind of masculinity that I was aiming for. It doesn’t get any better when my stress-tensions affect my newly found masculine walk. Instead of a relaxed walk with a low center of mass, separated legs and arms pending at a small distance from the body, I walk quickly with a high center of mass, arms glued to my body and thighs rubbing against each other. The only thing missing is a tight, short skirt and high heels!
Mildly said, I’m uncomfortable with the changes. I have very quickly adapted to the comfort of just being me, and that feeling of comfort hasn’t just benefited me, but also every one around me. I’ve been a happier and more harmonic person with more time and love for the persons closest to me. This has not been unnoticed, my wife have multiple times pointed out how much nicer it is to be with me – not that I was unpleasant before, it’s just better now. This makes me double sad, my stress levels are not just affecting me In a bad way, but also the people I love and care about.
At work we have made arrangements to prevent me from being burnt out again, and it has helped me to some extent. Most importantly my voice has dropped to its natural depth, but my walking I just as hopeless as it was a year ago. A lot of thoughts is moving around in my head at the moment, but mostly I don’t feel like starting all over again. I have worked hard to get to where I am today, and have still not internalized all changes yet. This, of cause, is the main reason why I regressed so quickly when I started to feel the stress. It’s like playing “Who wants to be a millionaire” and not have reached the safety-level yet. I don’t have a friend to call, but fortunately I can play it over and over again for as long as I want to instead. It’s just hard enough without having to start over. Every day has been a struggle to regain my own person and my own expressions. I have struggled against everything I’m accustom to, everything safe and expected every day. It’s not easy to break other people’s expectations and preconceptions, I shouldn’t have to fight myself as well. As soon as the stress wears of a little, I hope that some of my new body language comes back so that I don’t have to relearn everything from the beginning.

3 thoughts on “Stress

  1. Hey, be good to yourself. Take some alone and quiet time, if only ten minutes a day. I hope things take a turn for the better soon. I’ve been there – been booked of work for burnout and it got better. It can and it will. Take care.

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