Deprogramming

I’m slowly learning that I don’t have to smile like a fruitcake or have eye contact with everyone all the time. It’s a nasty habit girls are taught, but something boys never do. I mean, of cause boys smile and have eye contact, but never without reason and not all the time. They do these things when they meet a friend, think of or see something funny, talk in their phone, open a door for someone or something similar. It’s crazy and you can ponder over the reasons and consequences of actively teaching girls to behave like idiots, I’m however just trying to deprogram, or reprogram my self to act more like a normal man. I don’t have to have eye-contact with every stranger I meet, I don’t have to smile at everyone who I have eye-contact with and I certainly do not have to walk around smiling all the time for no reason. I can choose to do so, but I don’t have to. I have no obligation to smile at every stranger I meet and I have no obligation to smile just-in-case someone might look my way.
It feels good to reconquer the right to look the way I want to, but at the same time it’s hard work. I’m so well programmed that when I don’t smile at everyone, it feels like they’re going to think that I am unpleasant and grumpy. I try to change my way of thinking in these situations and question why I have permitted other people to do such judgements of me. I have the right to be grumpy and unpleasant if I want to and I have the right to be so without thinking of what strangers might think if I choose to show what I feel. Unfortunately I still find myself smiling like an idiot to everything and everyone without noticing if I really am happy and want to show it to everyone I meet. I can be in a terrible mood and still find myself walking around with a smile on my face.
Surreptitiously I try to watch how, where and when guys have eye-contact with other people, when they greet someone and when they smile. How long do they keep eye-contact? In what places? What’s the difference if they meet a woman or a man? How does the people they have eye-contact with or smile at react? In many situations there’s no difference between how men and women act – like how you meet the cashier in the grocery store. In other situations there’s a much bigger difference, like in public bathrooms. It’s important to me to not always automatically pass as a woman. I want to be able to pass as a man, or at least as androgyne, which means that I spend a lot of time decoding how men behave in public in order to “reprogram” my self to a more masculine behavior. It’s not going very well. But I guess it’s like with everything else, you have to practice, practice and practice to get result. Two steps forward and one step back does eventually lead forward.

6 thoughts on “Deprogramming

  1. You’ve made me aware of something I have been subconsciously doing – deprogramming living like a gay woman and programming to live like a man. I have the same tendency (personality trait) of being friendly with everyone and smiling like a twit all the time. Unfortunately because of my position at work, I’m being watched by a lot of juniors, so I HAVE to be friendly. I’m going to work on my outside-of-work eye contact, though. Good luck with your re-programming!

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  2. As a kid I subconsciously absorbed the masculine walk and body movements; all attempts to get me to swish failed. And people kept telling me to smile! I became a bookworm because it was a socially acceptable way to withdraw, and to this day I find “women’s” small talk extremely difficult and bring something to read anywhere I might have to wait and interact.

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