Not a good day

My beloved shorts are broken. The top button has fallen of and they are left at the store to be fixed. This means that I (still) don’t have much else comfortable clothes to wear. I took the most masculine jeans I have and as compensation I took my new favorite polo shirt to make the ensemble as masculine as possible. But the whole day was awkward. The pockets on the jeans were too shallow , they’re too tight, too stretchy, have a zipper instead of buttons and for some reason were my boobs showing more under my polo. I realize that that detail is more in my head, but it doesn’t make it any easier to handle.
Every time I saw myself, in a mirror, when I dropped something on the floor, when I tied my shoes , it became painfully clear that the image I have of myself in my head differs dramatically from how I actually look. With my feminine trousers everything on me looked all wrong. The shoes looked more feminine and my hair didn’t look as masculine as it used to. I became very aware of how I looked, my posture, how I laugh and talk, my gestures, my face ant the unavoidable boobs. All of this made me feel like an impostor, that I am trying to be something that I’m not and never can be. I felt dressed up and very uncomfortable.
When I came home in the afternoon, I cracked. My wife was left to care for a pathetic, sobbing little girl who didn’t want anything but to be strong and masculine. After that I felt even sorrier for myself, of cause. I have to say that I was surprised over how strongly I reacted. But after finally having clothes that make me feel comfortable, I was painfully reminded of just how uncomfortable my old clothes made me, even though I have tolerated them before. It is quite logical and it should be expected that I would feel this way, but I were surprised over how quickly it came and that something that insignificant made me feel this way.
After a solid hour of crying and sobbing, I and my wife agreed – or more correctly, she convinced me – to go to the city and buy me some new clothes. Trousers, sweaters and boxers. I will probably order a binder too, but maybe next week.

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