In the closet 2

Piece by piece I clear out garment of women’s clothes that has lingered in the closet. I thought I did a thorough clear out a couple of weeks ago, but apparently half of my closet still was women’s clothes. The panties have been exchanged to boxers and yes, I have bought the ones with rainbow stripes that I’ve been writing about earlier. Unfortunately they didn’t have my size in the bright colored ones, so I had to buy the black ones with rainbow stripes on the waistband instead. It made me a bit sad and I looked at every single pack they had to check the size. They were ALL in XL… It still doesn’t feel like a necessity for me to wear boxers instead of panties, but boxers are more comfortable so that determines it.
Next on my list is a pajama, at the moment I use my old nightshirts. They’re not overly feminine, but girly enough for me to look dressed up. I’ve already ordered a set online and it will arrive in just a few days! Then I will take the next set of clothes to the local Red Cross. I will also take advantage of the moment and clear out the last of my women’s sweaters and trousers. I won’t use them and I think it’s better for me to actually go out and buy new clothes that I’m comfortable with when I need more clothes.
I’ve noticed that most of my transformation has evolved around clothes. I must admit that it feels very shallow and trivial, especially since I write so much about it… I imagine that the transformation isn’t this shallow for all, but on my inside nothing has changed. I’ve always been the person I am. When someone have asked me if I feel like I’m a man or a woman, I’ve always answered that I feel like I’m me – not man nor woman. There are not many people who have asked that question since I’ve almost always looked like a cis woman and haven’t cared about it since I’ve always felt so sure about my gender identity. I’ve always thought that people should see me for who I am – not for the clothes I’m wearing. Something about this has changed lately and I feel a greater need for my gender identity to show on the outside as well. I feel like my exterior have belonged to someone else and have looked that way for someone else.
My parents were very dominating in my childhood and have controlled most parts of my life, among those my clothes and hairstyle. As I mowed out and started my liberating process I was diagnosed with a chronical disease that has drained most of my energy until now. During this time my person has been allowed to grow freely, but my clothes, hair, gestures, body language and voice haven’t kept up with the changes. That is why my transformation at the moment evolves mostly around appearance. Step one for me is to change my wardrobe since I feel that it is essential for me in order to gain the energy to work on my voice and gestures later. It’s easier to embrace a more masculine expression if you are dressed more masculine, at least it is for me.
As I have changed my wardrobe it has become clearer who I am on the inside. The transformation hasn’t changed my person, but my person has been allowed to shine through more. I think that I’ve hidden myself much before. I’ve been uncomfortable in my female clothes and in my role as a woman and therefore tried to make myself invisible in most contexts. I do really have many strong opinions, but I haven’t expressed them before. Now I feel like I can’t hold them back – and more importantly I don’t want to hold them back!

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